We are Offline Pessimism,
an analog agency.

Don’t even think about bringing your dog to work.

The Latest in Traditional Ads

Offline Pessimism specializes in:

  • Street corner sign-spinning
  • Mass-telegrams
  • Myspace influencer campaigns
  • Streetcar/MARTA billboards
  • Improving your search rankings on Ask Jeeves
  • Stickering telephone poles

And, of course, newspaper ads.

Offline Pessimism is a traditional marketing agency.

Keep the screens away from us.¬†Using a paper-driven approach, Online Optimism tries hard enough to get the results that you want. There’s no way to actually track the results since we’re not using digital methods, but our gut instincts say that your campaign will go well.

Ready to Become a Pessimist?

Great! Our employee retention rate is incredibly low, so we’re always hiring. Being a full-time pessimist entitles you to the following benefits:

  • Hourly salaries, usually paid on time.
  • Flexible schedules, by which we mean we’ll change your hours weekly.
  • Summer Sundays: During the Summer, you get to work an extra day of the week!
  • Zero food. No endless snacks, no tortilla cabinets, no coffee.
  • A customized AOL email address, along with the joy of using your personal phone for work calls.
  • Matching retirement plans (matching funds are exclusively dogecoin.)
  • Illegal contractual clauses with non-competes and demands to keep your salary hidden.

For those who prefer working without any sort of fair treatment or respect, we also offer unpaid internships.

Turn that Smile Upside Down

Offline Pessimism is here for you. We probably won’t be here tomorrow, and we’re not actually checking this website’s contact form responses, but we want you to know we’re here to stay.

At least until April 2nd.

Get in Touch: Fax us at 555-504-4044
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